Kama Soul

Rule # l. Be Lovingly Honest.
See the truth and speak about it with love and respect. Do not ignore your needs—you will only build resentment and anger, and destroy the relationship.
Rule # 2. Take Responsibility for the Success of the Conversation.
Be responsible by discussing all situations. Be sure to have an agreement to speak.
• Is there enough time to complete the conversation? Is there privacy and no possibility of interference?
• Are you in a comfortable place?
• Is the subject one that will benefit both of you?
• Ask yourself these three questions: Is this for me? Is this for you? Is this for us? Be clear about your goals by taking responsibility for your purpose.
Rule # 3. Check It Out.
The following may seem humorous, even ridiculous, but when discussions are emotionally charged there is often miscommunication and confusion. It is best to check it out as follows:
• I think I know what I said.
• I think you know what I said.
• Could you please repeat what I said to be sure that you heard what I think I said Believe me, you’ll avoid a great deal of trouble if you are sure to say what you mean and ensure that you are heard in the way that you meant to be heard.
Rule # 4. Do Not Become Defensive.
It is an absolute truth that once you begin to defend your position, there is no possibility of achieving your goal. Defensiveness closes our ears and our hearts, creating fear and discomfort. Rather than listening, we become engrossed in proving that we are notwrong, and that we areright.
Rule # 5. Do Not Attack.
Once you attack, there is no possibility of success because your partner becomes defensive. The darts and arrows you aim will miss their mark, falling on deaf ears. Unfortunately, most often we don’t notice that our arrows are useless, and we continue to shoot blanks. My father’s example resonates in my brain whenever I feel like shooting one of my arrows. He said, “Remember that you have a finite number of arrows in your quick. You don’t know how many, so be careful. One day when you really need one, you may reach back and find your quick is empty.” It is the same concept as, “Is this the hill you want to die on?” Save your attacks; they are not only ineffective most of the time, they are destructive. See rule # 4
Rule # 6. Be Aware of Body Language.
Watch the nonverbal signals. If his eyes are rolling or looking away, if she is crossing her arms or sitting sideways from you, if he is rifling through papers, or chewing on a pencil, there is inattention and disrespect. Your goal will not be reached without an established mutual agreement, concentration, eye contact, and respectful listening.
Rule # 7. Be Careful of Your Timing.
• Do not attempt a conversation at the “wrong” time.
• Do not share when either one of you is upset.
• Do not begin a goal-oriented conversation without considering all aspects of a successful outcome. Can you imagine asking for the delicious and romantic sexual experience you’ve been fantasizing about when you are both visiting his mother? Bad timing.
Rule # 8. Recognize the Power of Yes.
Yesis an extremely effective word. It opens doors to more contact and more experience. It allows your partner to feel recognized and appreciated. It encourages and promotes positive and loving relating. It is always a miracle to me to watch the word yeschange a situation from disaster to success. Have you ever complained about a broken item, or a sweater that faded? If the person hearing the complaint
says a simple, “Yes, I understand how upset you are,” you become much calmer and more reasonable. Sheila asked her husband to become more aware of her needs, instead of doing what he thinks she needs. Every time he said anything, regardless of his distortions or off track remarks, she smiled and said, “Yes, I’m listening.” His remarks varied from, “You don’t know how to show appreciation for what I do,” to, “You never want to see the good things I do.” After a few of these exaggerated remarks he asked her, “Tell me again what you need.” She repeated her request. He asked her to be more specific, and she was. Her, “Yes, I’m listening,” encouraged and supported him rather than arguing with and refuting him. He finally was able, because of her reassurance, to actually hear her without feeling threatened.
Rule # 9. Begin Every Statement with I.
I need, I want, I would like, etc. If you begin with you, it is accusatory and provocative. For example, look at the difference in these two sentences, which are truly similar in the message, but worlds apart in affect and effect:
• “I feel very upset when you leave without kissing me goodbye.”
• “You make me feel terrible when you leave without kissing me goodbye
Take responsibility for your feelings, needs, wants, etc. Youblames and accuses, is negative and destructive. Use I every time.
Rule # 10. Do Not Assume.
Remember that any assumption is a figment of your imagination. Valid or invalid, until proven to be fact the assumption is yourcreation.
• “He’s looking at me as though he hates me.”
• “She’s really angry. I know it because she’s not looking at me.” These are statements we make very often without checking to be sure of the truth. Perhaps he has a toothache. Perhaps she’s preoccupied with something. Do notassume. It may seem strange, but it’s true that most of our assumptions are not only invalid, they cause us emotional distress. We assume the negative much more often than we assume the positive. Most people think more than eighty thousand words a day. They daydream, plan, worry, etc. More than 80 percent of these thoughts are negative. Don’t assume. Don’t think negative thoughts. Phil believed that oral sex was something only “bad girls” liked. This belief was so ingrained that he assumed Sally would not want him to introduce this pleasure. They
were married almost seven months when Sally, embarrassed to speak about it, finally decided to do something about it. She wanted every kind of sexual pleasure, including oral sex. She created a very romantic atmosphere, wore a sexy nightie, and told him to come to the bedroom at exactly eight PM. When Phil entered the bedroom, he found Sally lying on her back, her legs spread open and her nightie pulled up to her waist. There was a large piece of cardboard with an arrow pointing towards her vagina, which read: “Try this delicious spot.” Phil laughed and the rest is history. He apologized for assuming what she would like or dislike.
Rule # 11. Do Not Judge.
Judgments are yet another terminator of good relationships. If you judge my behavior or my remarks, why would I want to share with you? A friend asked me why I hadn’t told her that my divorce had become final. She had judged me very harshly, saying that I should be ashamed to be thinking of divorcing, and that I was a terrible person to be doing such a thing. Why would I want to speak to her about anything, especially my divorce? We need to take responsibility for our negativity and accept the consequences. Judgments are turn-offs and often end relationships. Judgments also end any hope for open and honest sharing.
Rule # 12. Do Not Be Negative.
Negativity is a surefire way to close all possibility of successfully achieving your goal. If you complain abut a person, denigrate or embarrass them, why would they be willing to open themselves to you during an intimate conversation? Why would they be willing to give you what you want, or to even care about what you want? Joseph told his wife that he didn’t want to hear any of her requests because, regardless of what he did, she would find fault with it. Sandy admitted that she did complain most of the time and rarely complimented or recognized Joseph’s attempts. He had closed himself to her because he needed to protect himself from her attacks. Being negative to another human being is actually more destructive and more demeaning to yourself than it is to your victim. Every time you make a toxic remark, you increase the amount of toxicity within yourself and push away those who love you. Negativity is a no-no—it’s just too difficult to overcome.
Rule # 13. Do Not Be Sarcastic.
Sarcasm is a weak and frightened form of hurtful communication. It is only the person who is unsure of himself who needs to be sarcastic. It is caustic, cutting, and damaging, and it is used only by the inadequate and the unhappy. Don’t manifest this side of yourself, even though you feel that way sometimes. We all have moments in which we want to express a mean-spirited feeling or a destructive remark. But it is best to keep those moments to ourselves, rather than lash out with sarcasm. Although some people use sarcasm in an attempt to be humorous, it almost always falls on its face. Be careful not to insult or turn off your lover with such remarks
Rule # 14. Do Not Be Jealous.
Jealousy is extremely toxic and unproductive. If there is reason to be distrustful, that’s another issue. Unfounded jealousy, possessiveness, or attempts at restraining your partner’s behavior will result in anger and resentment. We all need our own, individual, and yes, separate from each other, activities. Too often jealousy rears its ugly head when one partner wants to take a trip, or play tennis, or go fishing without the other. If you express jealousy, you express many different emotions, and none of them are love.
• You are expressing insecurity and fear of loss.
• You are expressing distrust, which is a surefire way to create insecurity and fear in your partner. If you distrust me, I begin to suspect myself, wondering why I
haven’t proven my love and my commitment. If you want to keep me from something I want to do, perhaps I haven’t earned your love and respect yet, and I wonder what I’m doing wrong.
• You are expressing a lack of respect. If you reject your partner’s request for something he/she wants, you are not respectful of his/her needs and wants. Without respect for each other in every aspect of your relationship, you will dilute the love.
Rule # 15. Do Not Compare.
Do not ever compare your lover by saying they “are just like” someone else. When you compare your lover to others you are negating her. She is no longer unique and special and yours, she is “just like” the others. This type of statement creates a feeling of anonymity, of unimportance, and of being expendable. Words such as “just like” are to be avoided, because they erase you and your individuality, merging you with all the others. It is negative and hurtful to use this term.